I am vain, I admit. Ever since I can remember, I have been very conscious about my weight, how my body looks in a certain kind of dress, and how I look in a setting. That does not mean I hide behind a layer of makeup or wear the biggest brands and such.
I rarely wear makeup (except eye makeup sometimes), and never wore it when I was younger. I wear clothes mostly picked up at street shops, and the ones that I pick up from stores I never go by the brands.
That however does not mean I am not vain - I am.
And the biggest fear I used to have, and still have a lot - is being called fat.
Being born to Bengali parents, I can say that my body type is not flattering. Though many of my friends have told me that I am lucky to have the assets I have, I consider it a burden and would rather have them less less and lesser. But that doesn't happen and I am left to worry and wallow.
I am endowed with bigger lady assets and lower body assets too. And yes, they contribute to the overall image of being 'big.'
Of course 2 kids later, and the younger one having just turned 1, I have definitely gained some quality kilos over the years. I can't imagine I look like what I looked earlier, and I sure don't expect to be the way I was as a teen. That is not my goal.
I am happy being a woman and having my assets (though I do crib about them, remember what you read in the lines above?)
But let me tell you this - I absolutely have been controlling my diet and have been trying a lot to kill of those baby kilos. I have managed to shed almost all of my baby weight, and yes, though my baby is a year old now, I have not been able to hit the gym, and don't want to.
Just before I conceived, I had managed to lose a huge amount of weight in just 2 months, without starving myself. And I know I can do it again.
So, when in the last 3 days 3 different people called me fat, I must say I was quite stunned. I am surely not thin, but I can't call myself FAT fat, you know what I mean?
The first instance was of the lady who came up to me and asked me what all I was eating and hogging on, as I was obviously fat than before I had the baby. Wasn't this an obvious answer to her question? That I had had the baby and was losing weight slowly...of course given the fact that I am going to be 34 now, my body does not shed fat so fast. .... Duh!!! Reality - I better accept it.
The second instance was this lovely young girl telling me that I was really cute, that while earlier I was hot (what??? lol no one calls me hot ever...) I was certainly cute now, given the extra pounds I had gained. This I could understand, as obviously I know I have gained.
The third instance was the one that really got to me and made me mad enough to write this post. This man I met last night while getting into the lift (I tell you, I meet all these choicest of examples in the lift of all places!!!) and he looked at me for a while, and then his mouth went all O - like forming the shape of the letter O with his mouth, literally.....He nodded his head, and said 'What happened??? How come you gained soooooooo much weight? What happened to you??? I almost couldn't recognise you!' And I was like smiling politely and nodding and screaming inside my head - 'Oh yeah right, isn't it you moron? Like you're the living example of Tom Cruise-John Abraham-Hrithik Roshan-Rahul Bose and all the others out there and I'm dying to be complimented by you...' AS#$$%$!^$!
The expression he gave was as if I was so fat and huge that he would have a heart attack right there and then, just seeing me so fat. ..
Wow.....and the fact that he himself is the typical middle aged Indian male who really needs some + some + some + some (read 1000 times) amount of exercise, nothing more...
So even though I felt shit about myself then and even do so now and can't stop berating myself for letting that extra bit of flab be there, I do understand that yes, I have given birth and nurtured a new life and still nourishing, and that it is not a crime to gain some extra kilos. I will get back in shape, be healthier and remember that no matter what the person says, I still cannot be defined by my weight.....
Hah....hows that? ;)
Ever faced such pressure yourself? Do tell me about it and we can rant together....
- Debolina Raja Gupta
And like I always believe in and say:
"Heal the world we live in
Save it for our children" - MJ
Debolina Raja Gupta