Friday, June 11, 2010
The Rules of the FIFA World Cup between a modern-day couple..
A few days back as I was scanning through my mailbox, I received a mail from my husband who was at work....rather, it was a set of rules for the DOs and DONTs during the FIFA season. Apparently, it had landed in his mail box from a colleague and as the rules were exactly what he had in mind, he wasted no time in letting me know the same.
The begining of his mail read:
Dear Wife/Sweetheart/Girlfriend/Partner/whomever it may concern.....
And in response to this, I sent him my own agreement draft. The details of both our dialogues are as follows:
Hubby: Between 11 June and 11 July 22010, you should read the sports section of the newspaper so that you are aware of what is going on regarding the World of Soccer, and that way you will be able to join in the conversations. If you fail too do this, then you will be looked at in a bad way, or you will be totally ignored. DO NOT complain about not receiving any attention.
Me: Between 11th June and 11th July, as along with all other days, I will duly NOT read the sports section. I may choose to check out the faces of those ‘sporty’ guys though ;)
Hubby: During the World Cup, the television is mine, at all times, without any exceptions. If you even take a glimpse of the remote control, you will lose it (your eye).
Me: During the World Cup,IPL,Wimbledon, FIFA, test cricket, one-day matches and every other boring match and occasion and EVERY SINGLE day, the television is MINE and if you need it badly, you may ask me, beg me, or better still, get me a gift for each of these particular evenings so that I have something else to occupy my mind with while you take over my TV for some time.
Hubby: If you have to pass by in front of the TV during a game, I don't mind, as long as you do it crawling on the floor and without distracting me.
Me: While you are watching the TV, if you do not wish me to get in the path of you and your matches, you would be required to take over the initiative and pass me whatever it is that I may be needing.
Hubby: During the games I will be blind, deaf and mute, unless I require a refill of my drink or something to eat. You are out of your mind if you expect me to listen to you, open the door, answer thee telephone, or pick up the baby that just fell on the floor....It won't happen.
Me: Since you are perennially blind, deaf and never mute (how I wish this single one were true!) it is no deviation from our normal routine and hence all your requests of not answering the door, or the phone or taking care of the baby are nullified. In case you wish to still display the same, please remember our wedding vows that we are partners in all situations, so if you choose to become deaf and blind, forgive me dear husband, but I don’t have any other choice but to not become deaf and blind myself. I have to inform you with regret that all your requests for food or drink shall fall on deaf ears.
Hubby: It would be a good idea for you to keep at least 2 six packs in the fridge at all times, as well as plenty of things to nibble on (excluding your body parts), and please do not make any funny faces to my friends when they come over to watch the games. In return,, you will be allowed to use the TV between 12am and 6amm, unless they replay a good game that I missed during the day.
Me: Your friends are free to bring their own snack along as I am a good host and will not interfere with their personal food choice. About the fridge, do not fear cause the entire fridge will be yours to fill up, as on these days, keeping your food and fridge requirements in mind, I will not dare to cook and stock up ingredients and other things in the fridge. Hence the option of call-in has already been decided and the menus duly placed on the dresser.
Hubby: Please, please, please!! If you see me upset because one of my teams is losing, DO NOT say "get over it, it's only a game", or "don't worry, they'll win next time"". If you say these things, you will only make me angrier and I will love you less. Remember, you will never ever know more about football than me and your so called "words of encouragement"" will only lead to a break up or divorce.
Me: My dear husband, I fully understand your ‘understanding’ of the game, as it is only because of your ‘special knowledge’ status that you have never been on a ‘real’ football field ever (PS: TV gaming not included). I can understand your constant need for approval, since you got none when you dreamed of becoming a football star in many of those teenage fantasies, hence I will not indulge further in bringing it to your notice. I will rather have a good laugh later when there are more people to spread the joy with.
Hubby: You are welcome to sit with me to watch one game and you can talk to me during halftime but only when the commercials are on, and only if the half time scores is pleasing me. In addition, please note I am saying "one" game ; hence do not use the World Cup as a nice cheesy excuse to "spend time together".
Me: Please remember your offer that you will NOT talk to me. And please do not. Thank you in advance. I will most likely use the time to go out with my girl-friends and shop, so even if happen to see any card bills during those time, please do NOT talk.
Hubby: The replays of the goals are very important. I don't care if I have seen them or I haven't seen them, I want to see them again, Manny times.
Me: Please keep seeing the replays and the ads and everything. I would not mind if you would like to keep all these days to yourself. The malls and various bookstores and clothes outlets have already banked on these ‘days’ to lure their female customers. I love you for giving me the freedom to carry on my pursuits at leisure.
Hubby: Tell your friends NOT to have any babies, or any other child related parties or gatherings that requires my attendance because:
a) I will not go,
b) I will not go, and
c) I will not go.
But, if a friend of mine invites us to his house on a Sunday to watch a game, we will be there in a flash.
Me: Please remember that YOU WILL NOT GO. We are most likely going to host a few parties at the nearby hotels.
Hubby: The daily World Cup highlights show on TV every night is just as important as the games themselves. Do not even think about saying "but you have already seen this...why don't you change the channel to something we can all watch?" because, the reply will be, "Refer to Rule #2 of this list".
Me: Please refer to point 8.
Hubby: And finally, please save your expressions such as "Thank Good the World Cup is only every 4 years". I am immune to these words, because before and after this comes the Champions League, Premier League, Italian League, Spanish League, KPL, FAA Cup, Euro Cup, etc.
Me: Please refer to point 8.
By the way, if you get stuck on the road call the Police or AAA.
Thank you for your cooperation.
Me: Please refer to point 8 again as I will not be home to say any of this. And if I get stuck, I always have the option of checking into a nearby hotel to save myself the hassle of calling someone up ☺
Thanks for being so understanding and so undemanding. You have the entire kitchen and fridge to yourself and the menu cards of all nearby and local food joints will be duly placed at an arm’s length. Please feel free to not call or talk to me for any of these during these days.