Yes....this is exactly how I am looking right now..... Harried, tired, frustrated, my back bent and my shoulders drooping in that classic image of defeat and giving-up, not a clue in the world of how I will ever manage and take control over my life once again..lines appearing on my forehead and seeming to stay etched forever, those dark beauty spots that have by now grown into full dark circles and have comfortably settled around my eyes....
I cant remember the last time I slept like I was unconscious..maybe 3 years ago? And what happened to those plans of devoting atleast one hour of a lovely siesta only to my comforter and me, when everything and everyone else can go wherever they want...Cant remember the last time I actually went for a shower and didnt leave my ears at the door to pick up any baby noise. Or sat down to a mouth-watering spread without having to gobble it up like I was just rescued from one of those draught-affected lands, stuffing myself like a pig so that I could get back to taking away the crayon from my daughter's hand before she can finish her floor-till-wherever-hand-reaches masterpiece on the wall.
Some days I like to think I am in control, that I am a super-mum..In fact, after reading one of these articles, one reader actually called me that!!! How I laughed and chuckled...Me? Supermum? And when I shared this news with my hubby, of course he burst out laughing...even my brother... 'they should see you now, this mad freaked-out woman', they both commented, 'and they would realise the supermom is actually going nuts.' I couldn't agree more..
Some days are good days, when I am more calm and can take on a plan to tackle the day. When the clothes have been washed and folded and kept in their place, when the dishes are done, when a good hot meal is ready, toys all tidied, the house neat and clean, baby rested and happy. Those days I even get the time to read a book or stand on the balcony with a cup of coffee in my hand, looking out at the world go by.
Some days I am a wreck. The house looks as if a battalion of unruly kids were let loose after a month of grounding. The kitchen is dirty and smelly. There is food sticking out of my hair and on my clothes. Clothes are lying everywhere, unwashed, untidy. Every step on the floor is littered with toys and paper and food blobs and crayons and cars and anything and everything that is my daughter's sole property. On these days there is so much to do and so much undone that I am dazed...Will the house, and my life for that matter, be normal again? On such days, most of the time, this is what happens:
1. my daughter runs the length of the house..and then back...and then again the whole house...and then back...and....and...and...(I don't have to re-type over and over, read the previous lines, that's what she does)
2. I run behind my daughter the length of the house...and then back..and then again the whole house...and then back..and..and..(yes you are smart)
3. I resemble a mad shrieking old hag
4. I look like the water department permanently cut off the supply at my place and I don't know where to take a bath (I also look like the world has run out of those luxurious commodities called soap and shampoo and perfume)
5. I look like I am a witch, out to scare and scold a poor little baby
6. I clean up and manage to tidy one tiny part of the house, but my daughter turns out to be more competent and can make it dirty and more untidy in much lesser time it took me to tidy up
7. I look like I walked out of a grave and am walking on this earth looking for someone who will help me go back and lie down under the earth
8. I scream, then I feel guilty, then I see something and lose my mind, then I shout again, then I feel guilty, then I see something again, then I run towards, then I kind of give up and think I would rather stop, then I resume again and shout, and run.....oh yes you got the drift....
9.I hear a grumbling in my tummy and realise the only food I have had the whole day is tea and coffee
10.I scream and yell at hubby on the phone, I am sad and upset, and I am frustrated when he is back home, I am angry and sad, telling him he never helps, accusing him of having an easy life, never taking care of baby...
I have these days.....still....many of them...and I am sure you have these too... Its only natural isnt it? Those days of frustration and anger and tears, and later the guilt that hits us, suffocating us, making us end up vowing we will never scold our kids again.
I am tying a few ways that sometimes help. I have started switching off these days, whenever my irritation level hits its peak and I know I cant take it anymore, I stop everything and decide to become a baby along with my baby. I enjoy with her, taking part in whatever it is she is doing and indulging in some simple childish fun. I sing and dance with her, paint on old newspapers spread out on the floor, play with soft toys and sit and watch animation movies while eating popcorns.
When I look around I see things are not 'perfect', the house isnt clean and dinner isnt ready...I can see there are many things pending, I can see the amount of work that is still left to be done.... But when I see that smile on her face and realise how much it means to her to be with her mommy, I can give up everything else and just be there for her....
Sometimes, it is ok to let go of those things that we feel are a more important priority and need our immediate attention.. Instead, it is not only okay, but wonderful to just let go of all worries for some time and be a kid once again with your little one... Being a mom is a 24*7 profile, a job without pay, without leaves, without bonus or portfolio, and certainly one that is not much appreciated by others as it should be. But for those of us who are the mums, we know how important and fulfilling it is to be a mum, we know what it means to us and how incomplete we feel without our kids. To all us mums....it is ok to be angry and upset sometimes and not try and be 'perfect' all the time, what is important is that we sit down and spend time with our kids, letting them know we are there with them always, being their best friends till the new ones have not made an appearance, and just enjoy these special priceless years, before our little birds leave our arms and fly out into the world.
To all the mums everywhere - you are amazing !!!!
* For more such stories on the experience called 'PARENTING', visit My Little One And Me